Toilet Paper

Southern Man is a member of a couple of consumer panel groups. They send him surveys; Southern Man dutifully fills them out and returns them. Sometimes these surveys contain a buck or two, or a sweepstakes entry, or something like that. Today's survey was about toilet paper.

Now, Southern Man has a fairly simple TP policy. About once a year, he buys a case of whatever's cheapest at the local warehouse club. He then distributes the rolls among the cabinets in Casa Southern Man's three bathrooms. Whenever a child yells "Dad, I'm out of toilet paper" he yells back "look in the cabinet!" Problem solved.

The consumer panel will not be so easily satisfied. This survey was eighteen pages long. Eighteen pages. This survey had 164 numbered questions, most with multiple parts, and most requiring that Southern Man answer for each of twenty-eight named brands of toilet paper and / or the fifteen different types of locations at which toilet paper could be purchased. Southern Man didn't even know there were twenty-eight different brands of toilet paper. But now he does. Did you know that Charmin (you know, the stuff you aren't supposed to squeeze) has six distinct lines of toilet paper? The mind reels.

Let Southern Man give some examples of what Charmin (we presume that Charmin and others commissioned this survey) wish to know about Southern Man's attitudes about toilet paper.

"This brand acts in my best interests."

Well, Southern Man's interest is pretty much limited to one thing when it comes to toilet paper.

"This brand doesn't let me down."

One hopes not. But you can always take twice as much and fold it over if it does.

"I like to seek out others who use this brand."

One can only imagine how this could be accomplished. Well, you can. Southern Man would rather not.

So Southern Man wasn't as dutiful as he usually is on this one. Vast swathes of the survey remained unmarked by Southern Man's pen. But he did answer many of the questions ("Do you enjoy taking chances by purchasing new products?") and will even mail it back in the handy postage-paid envelope provided for that purpose. And he kept the enclosed buck, glad to do his part to aid corporate America in their quest to provide superior toilet paper.