Eleven Months

It was just about eleven months ago that my now-ex said "I'm going to divorce you."

A lot has happened in that last eleven months. There's been plenty of time to reflect on what went wrong and remember all that was so wonderful about our marriage. The perspective of separation has allowed me to better understand all that I (and she!) did that so damaged our love and our marriage. And I have made great strides in finally understanding and recovering from the codependence and depression that had haunted me during the last several years. Indeed, I'm healthier and happier - physically, emotionally, and spiritually - than I've been since my now-teenage children were babies. I've established a level of financial security that I haven't had for a decade or longer. And regular readers have read between the lines and know that I've found a wonderful new love in my so-far anonymous (at least on this blog) gf. In truth, I'm living a pretty good life right now. There are really only a couple of down sides: I miss my children terribly, and - part of my heart still aches for my ex-wife.

I've known for a while that my current relationship just can't progress until I resolve my remaining feelings for my ex. After all, I gave her my heart for many, many years. We shared so many wonderful times and overcame so many obstacles and reared three amazing children. And I chose to love her, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, and in many ways I still do. And although my head tells me that I'm a fool for even thinking of going back into a relationship that took me into the darkness of depression and to the edge of suicide, my heart tells me that I must give our marriage one last chance. And my children need to fully understand that I never wanted the divorce in the first place. I owe it to them to try to give them their family back once again, better than it ever was.

So last week I communicated to my ex that I am open to counseling with the possibility of reconcilliation with her, and last night my gf and I parted ways. Many tears were shed but gf fully understood what I must do: an honest effort to rebuild a broken marriage can't hold anything back. If - if - my ex also desires a renewed relationship with me she needs to know that she has all of me during that time of renewing and rebuilding. And my gf understands that I could never be fully hers until I can put that marriage to rest once and for all.

The genesis of the Southern Man blog was our separation eleven months ago. Now is a time for new beginnings. Whether the future holds a renewed relationship with my ex or final release from that marriage so that I can continue to move forward with my own life remains to be seen. Lord, guide and direct us during this difficult time. Let your comfort be upon us all as we seek Your will. O Lord, my heart is so troubled and the way seems so unclear. Light a lamp before my feet, Lord; grant me the wisdom to see and to follow the path that You have laid before me. Amen.